NEW YORK — Sources confirmed Tuesday that Jennifer Martinez, a 32-year-old account executive, has turned the third-floor women’s bathroom into an impromptu meditation retreat/crisis center/philosophical symposium after what she described as “just stepping out for a minute” from the weekly team status meeting.
“I just needed to process why we’re having a meeting about scheduling another meeting to discuss the timeline for next month’s meetings,” Martinez explained from her porcelain throne of solitude, where she had been contemplating the meaning of quarterly targets for the past 47 minutes.
Witnesses report seeing Martinez muttering “Everything is fine” while aggressively applying her fourth layer of lip gloss, a known coping mechanism among corporate professionals.
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Her phone, currently displaying 12 unread messages from increasingly concerned colleagues, has been placed face-down next to the sink in what experts identify as a classic “if I can’t see it, it’s not real” maneuver.
“The bathroom’s excellent acoustics really help amplify the sound of my internal screaming,” Martinez noted, while practicing deep breathing exercises she learned from a TikTok mindfulness coach. “Plus, nobody questions how long you’re gone if you bring a laptop bag with you.”
The situation escalated when three other women joined Martinez’s impromptu wellness session, turning the bathroom into what HR later described as an “unauthorized support group.”
Topics discussed reportedly included whether any of them actually understand what their company does, why their male colleagues keep getting promoted for “showing potential,” and if it’s too late to become a dolphin trainer.
“I’m not hiding,” Martinez insisted, while scanning job listings on her phone. “I’m engaging in self-directed wellness activities while simultaneously maintaining an upright position in a small, tiled space. That’s basically multitasking.”
After a couple of hours, Martinez had decided to return to her desk after receiving an email about mandatory workplace resilience training, citing that “some crises are better than others.”
This article pairs well with a chilled rosé and that meditation app subscription you bought but never used.
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