By She.Work Satirical News Desk
A new report released by the Institute for Workplace Clarity confirms what many professional women have long suspected: men who begin emails with the phrase “Quick question” are statistically unlikely to ask a quick question, or any coherent question at all.
The six-month study, which analyzed over 10,000 internal emails across a range of industries, revealed that the average “quick question” email written by a male colleague contains seven full paragraphs, three attachments (often in obscure or outdated formats), and concludes without a clear request or actionable takeaway.
The researchers summarized their findings as “a dense collection of corporate rambling with the structure of a choose-your-own-adventure book and the urgency of a broken fire alarm.”
“It starts with ‘Quick question’ and ends with me wondering whether I have just been asked to lead a cross-departmental initiative,” said Priya Das, a systems engineer at a global technology firm. “By paragraph five, he is referencing a conversation from a 2022 planning meeting and includes a screenshot of something that might be a flowchart, but could also be a map of the London Underground.”
Dr. Naomi Williams, a hospital administrator and practicing physician, shared a similar experience. “Last week, I received a ‘quick question’ email that took me 38 minutes to read and another 20 to decipher. It included a chart with no context, a vague reference to ‘what we discussed,’ and a link to a spreadsheet that I did not have permission to access. I responded with a general thank you and immediately scheduled a meeting so I could ask what he was actually talking about.”
✿ Thank you for reading!
Subscribe to be our bestie, no spam—just good vibes once a month.
Ava Chen, a licensed architect and partner at her firm, said, “He wanted input on a blueprint. He attached seven PDFs, three JPEGs, and one link to a Dropbox folder named ‘Random.’ Then he wrote, ‘Thoughts?’ with no salutation, no background, and no deadline. I stared at my screen for a full minute before forwarding it to a junior associate with the subject line, ‘Any idea what this is?’”
Sophia Moreno, Vice President of Marketing at a consumer brand, was not surprised by the study’s findings. “There is always a paragraph about synergy. Another thing about alignment. No one is aligned by the end of these emails. I need a decoder ring, three cups of coffee, and a personal assistant just to figure out what they want from me. Once, I asked for clarification and got another six-paragraph email in response. Still no answer.”
The report also highlighted common stylistic patterns found in these emails: frequent use of vague corporate buzzwords, the absence of bullet points, the inclusion of calendar invites with no explanation, and the strategic use of phrases like “just circling back,” “see below,” and “adding context” all of which serve to confuse rather than clarify.
According to Dr. Carla Jennings, lead researcher of the study, “These emails function less as communication and more as a ritual. They give the illusion of productivity while outsourcing the burden of clarity to the recipient, who, let us be honest, is usually a woman.”
One human resources director, who chose to remain anonymous, said she created a standard reply template titled: “Thank you for your email. Could you please specify what action you are requesting?” She reportedly uses it more than 30 times per week.
When asked for comment, one of the study’s most prolific “quick question” senders responded with a 900-word email that began, “Just to add a few quick thoughts,” included three charts with no labels, and ended with the phrase, “Let me know if that makes sense.”
Researchers say they are already planning a follow-up investigation titled, “Why Do Men Use ‘Let Us Take This Offline’ As A Way To Avoid Clarifying Anything Ever?”
Thanks to our reader, a 34-year-old marketing strategist from Austin, Texas, for inspiring this story. Names used in the article are fictional. Any odd things happening at work? Send us an email at [email protected]
✱ If you liked this article, please share it with a friend who could use inspiration.
If you have a topic in mind or a story to share anonymously or with your name, email us at [email protected]
