Tone policing occurs when someone critiques your tone or delivery instead of engaging with the substance of your message. It’s often used as a tactic to dismiss important issues or concerns, especially when emotions or passion are involved. While it’s framed as a call for “calm” or “rational” discussion, tone policing shifts the focus away from the actual problem and places the burden on the speaker to meet an arbitrary standard of communication.
In the workplace, tone policing disproportionately affects women, particularly women of color, by reinforcing stereotypes about how they “should” behave or communicate. It invalidates emotions and can make it harder to have honest, impactful conversations.
How Tone Policing Manifests at Work
- “Calm down” or “You’re too emotional”: These phrases dismiss your concerns by framing them as overreactions.
- Critiquing delivery over content: Instead of addressing the issue, someone says, “It’s not what you’re saying; it’s how you’re saying it.”
- Calling someone “unprofessional”: This is often used to silence assertiveness, especially when women express frustration or passion.
- Shifting the focus: A legitimate concern about workplace issues is derailed by comments like, “Can we talk about this when you’re less upset?”
Why Tone Policing is Harmful
Tone policing is a form of silencing that invalidates experiences and emotions, making it harder to address systemic issues or injustices. It perpetuates workplace inequities by holding marginalized groups to unfair standards of communication while ignoring the root problems they’re trying to address. Over time, it can contribute to feelings of frustration, isolation, and burnout.
How to Respond to Tone Policing
- Redirect to the Issue at Hand:
Politely refocus the conversation. For example, “My tone isn’t the issue here—let’s focus on the content of what I’m saying.” - Acknowledge Your Passion:
Reframe your tone as a strength: “I’m passionate about this because it’s important. Let’s discuss the solution.” - Call It Out:
If appropriate, address the behavior directly: “I feel like my tone is being used to dismiss my point. Can we focus on the matter at hand?” - Bring in a Third Party:
If tone policing persists, involve HR, a manager, or a mentor to mediate and ensure your concerns are taken seriously. - Don’t Apologize for Feeling:
Emotions are valid and often necessary for expressing urgency or importance. Stand firm in your delivery while advocating for your perspective.
Creating a Respectful Workplace
Workplaces thrive when all voices are heard and valued. Encourage a culture where content is prioritized over delivery, and emotional expression is seen as a sign of authenticity, not a flaw. Address biases around communication styles and promote inclusive dialogue that allows everyone to speak freely and confidently.
Remember: your emotions are valid, your voice deserves space, and your passion is power. Don’t let anyone shrink your voice by focusing on how you say it—stand tall in your truth, and keep advocating for what matters.
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