Imagine you’re chasing your dream, feeling the fire in your belly, ready to soar. Suddenly, someone throws cold water in your face. Not just anyone, but another woman, her words laced with doubt and negativity.
“You can’t do it,” she scoffs. It stings, right?
Especially if it’s coming from another woman.
It makes me throw up.
There are people in this world that I try to avoid, who are judgmental and not open-minded, and they think they know everything better than any other person.
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You know what, my friend, they are everywhere.
Some of them are our friends, some of them are our neighbors, some of them are our work colleagues, and sometimes even some of them are our professors.
And even some women we call “mentors” behave like this.
Some are leaders who think they are incredibly talented in everything because they are perfect, and they are mostly women who try to make other women desperate.
So this “You can’t do it!” Chorus is everywhere.
Some will say directly to your face, like they did to Dr. Elnara Muradova, that they told her that she could not do it; it’s impossible, there is no way to make it happen. You know what, they were all women.
They do this because they don’t know any other option. They have no idea how to push the limits to achieve their dreams. They don’t even know it’s even possible.
By the way, some of them will watch, hate, and then copy you. Inspiration is good, but why not in a positive way?
Some will say nothing to you but will talk behind you, to feel better because they are scared. They are jealous because they have confidence issues.
The “you can’t do it” chorus can come in any second and in an unexpected place, but don’t let it dim your light.
You are not anyone’s psychologist or therapist. Try not to understand the behavior.
And please be the ones who tell other women, “You can do it!” With this, we can turn down the volume of negativity and empower ourselves to rise above!
And now, let’s understand the “Why.”
Here is the question: Why do some women try to clip each other’s wings?
The answer can be complex. Social comparison makes us see others in our “in-group” as rivals, triggering envy when they shine (Festinger, L., 1954).
Confirmation bias keeps us clinging to negative beliefs about ourselves and others (Nickerson, R.S., 1998).
Internalized misogyny, societal conditioning that whispers women can’t have it all, can fuel a “queen bee” mentality (Banaji, M. R., & Fiske, A. P., 1993).
If we want to discuss it more generically, the answer is Fear. They are scared. Jealousy and hostile envy come from fear and not feeling confident. The problem is not you. The problem is not you, them!
Turning “Can’t” into “Can”
The good news?
You can rewrite the narrative. Here’s how:
Reframe negativity and ignore her.
Mindfulness practices like self-compassion weaken the impact of doubt (Neff, K., 2015).
Embrace the growth and ignore her.
Believe in your ability to learn and grow with a “growth mindset” (Dweck, C.S., 2006).
Communicate clearly and ignore her.
Set boundaries and express your confidence with assertive communication (Paterson, C., 2015).
Additionally, surround yourself with women who celebrate your strengths and encourage you. Find people who value collaboration and mutual respect. Actively lift others up and create a supportive environment for all women.
Ask yourself questions. Is this based on their fear, not my reality? Does it align with my plan?
Don’t internalize. Their limitations don’t define you. Believe in your potential!
Fuel your fire. Use that experience as the charger. Use doubt as motivation to prove them wrong. Achieve your goals and let their doubt be your fuel.
Self-care is essential. Engage in activities that bring joy and replenish your mental and emotional well-being. And again, ignore that person. Remember, she is scared, not you!
Celebrate milestones without shame. Don’t ever hesitate to celebrate your little daily wins. Every step forward matters, no matter how small.
Remember your power. No one has the power to define your potential. You are unstoppable! And you can ignore her.
Be a cheerleader to other women. Lift others up, not pull each other down. As Brené Brown reminds us in Daring Greatly, “The courage to be vulnerable… is not about winning or losing. It’s about showing up and being seen, even if our hearts are trembling.”
Step forward, feel your presence, and drown out the naysayers with the thunder of your capabilities.
Illuminate your path with your brilliance!
Never allow anyone to cast a shadow of doubt on you.
IGNORE HER.
Find your tribe, and love and support them so hard.
Are you feeling alone or without a support system?
You do not have to go through it by yourself. We are here to listen and support you. Many women have found comfort in reaching out to us, and you can too. Simply write down your thoughts and send them to team@she.work.
Every message is kept completely confidential; your story and your feelings are safe with us. We are here for you.
Resources
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How courage transforms vulnerability, shame, and doubt into strength and power. Penguin Books.
Wiseman, R. (2003). Queen bees & wannabes: Helping girls navigate relational aggression at school. Simon & Schuster.
Banaji, M. R., & Fiske, A. P. (1993). The impact of stereotype content on the perception of groups. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2(3), 97-102.
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Ballantine Books.
Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison. Human Relations, 7(2), 117-140.
Neff, K. (2015). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. HarperOne.
Nickerson, R. S. (1998). Confirmation bias: A ubiquitous phenomenon in many guises. Review of General Psychology, 2(2), 175-202.
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